PLEASE DON’T LET THIS BE HER!

BOBBY KELTON LOOKS AT THE CONTEMPORARY PHENOMENON OF INTERNET DATING, AND RELATES HIS HYSTERICALLY FUNNY YET PAINFULLY DISAPPOINTING EXPERIENCES.

IT’S A COMEDIAN’S JOURNEY TO FIND TRUE LOVE IN AN ERA WHEN BEING SINGLE MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY, “I DON’T DO STARBUCKS!”

Excerpts From Bobby's Dating Dossier:

“I began fearing the worst on every date, that every woman who entered the establishment would be might nightmare du jour. After awhile it would push the limits of my paranoia. Big black men with dreadlocks would walk in and I’d pray, “Please don’t let this be her.” Sumo wrestlers, midgets, panhandlers - any one of these creatures could be the one I’d be stuck with for two hours. I lived in dating fear.

 “And then there's the style of kissing to negotiate. Does her head go to the right or left?  Should it be soft or firm, light or aggressive? How do you overcome a slice or a hook?”

 “She told me about her experience as an Israeli soldier, and now her personality began to make sense to me. No wonder she was so reticent and pensive. She had spent her late teens on the front lines with Syria and Egypt, and now was sitting across from perhaps her greatest enemy: a man who might want to have sex with her.”

“Men hunt for women with good hearts and good figures; women gather men with good hearts and six figures.”

“But yours is a red flag,” she insisted. “Why didn’t you want to get married?” A red flag? This woman must work at the Daytona Speedway, I thought. And how typically presumptuous it was of her to assume that it was I who bailed out. “What about you?” I asked. “You’ve been divorced. Is that an orange flag?”

“As if all this wasn’t bizarre enough, one day I get a note from Adorable Beauty asking me if my listed age was real, and if I’m telling the truth about myself. I mean, this woman fudged on where she was from by over 9,000 miles, and she’s questioning me about my integrity! I might point out that even if I shaved ELEVEN years off of my age, that would only amount to one year for each time zone away that defines the distance that she fibbed about.”